why is it so hard to talk to people?

or something like that...



-Sorry Mr. Derick, I cant remember the question-


Wait, before I start writing, I just want to say that I LOVE '1000 years of good prayers'...(thanx for the heads up hany). I dont know why people said it was so boring and heck, somebody even warned me to bring food when I wanted to watch the movie..because I might fall asleep.


So I brought food
and drinks
and extra pillows..
hot chocolate too
and napoleon~


I think the movie is very adorable and sad because it made me cry..
hahaha
I regreted writing that...but never mind, I'll live.

Why is it SO hard to talk to people?
why
why
why
why
why?
honestly, I think it is because of unfamiliarity.. (I hope that word exists) and indifference amongst two people that causes awkward conversations and angry silences.

ececece

ehem..., moving on-


I have never been a great talker. But Im a great listener, to an extent. Somehow in conversations, I prefer being the one with the intent stare and obedient noddings rather than the one with their mouths getting busy. I dont really have a specific reason as to why I find it so difficult to talk to people. There's always the reason 'because I dont want to..' but that would make me seem so rude and obnoxious...which Im not.


In the movie, Yilan finds it hard to talk to her father because of her perception of his character, past experiences of her silent childhood and she feels that her father would not understand whatever it is she's going through. period.


I partially blame the father for the neglection he'd given her when she was young, and I also blame the daughter for mistreating her father which happens to be very old and very fragile. Older people take things too personally sometimes, even if it is personal...


For example, Im extracting my own personal experience with my grandmother, two years ago.
You see, my parents were in mecca and grandma was sent to the house to take care of us. etc,etc.. and in the end, me and grams were in a really bad disagreement and I hated it when Im the cause of the disagreement. She thinks she is caring, but Im suffocating. She's not mum and I was trying to prove her that. She cant understand why I dont want to be around her as much but I cant tell her that I need my own space because she wont get it.

So, two years later, as in now.. me and grams is still in this really awkward position where I cant be in the same room with her, let alone have a real conversation with her. Maybe thats why the movie had a very appealing taste to me. It reminded me a lot about me and the people in my life. I kind of created a scene on my own, in my head, as I watch the movie..and how much those two characters reminded me of myself and dad. There's a whole other story as to how me and dad grew awkward with each other. In conclusion?.. I.am.a.bad.person.


Difference in age makes it hard to start a conversation. We dont get them. They dont get us.

Bitter experiences refraines conversations too, because we know who the other person is, and how they made us feel.

Insecurity blocks sincerity because the other person is a stranger to us. And the stranger could be a rapist, a doctor, a player, and even a salesman.

Culture. and some more culture. Its hard to believe culture is blamed for the changes all of us are going through. The generation has changed and the world is tangled up in one another and sacrifices must be made.

Opening up makes us vulnerable and it could hurt us. There's too much pain in this world and some people just cant bear it any longer. Somehow, self-confinement is a more popular option.

Lazy-ness is a factor. And Im up for it 100%.
:)


So, thats it.
thats is why its hard to talk to people~

#31 on to do list before I die

my first poem

squeezed from utter horror and manipulation

without sympathy

from EaLD

hours of endless worry

trying to do something

I have never done in my entire life

no...no,

Im not complaining...

A lot of people dont get the piece when I present it

thats alright though

I wrote it so that people wont understand anyway

Thus, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

THE SANDMAN

It all started when I was 10 plus 3,

I was hiding from the time way up high in a tree,

He's calling me from every nook of possibities,

To change me, body and soul without boundaries.

One night when all seem gone in a distance,

The Sandman made me a promise and told me a secret,

"You will grow up to be old and wise, with a little bit of patience..."

So, he left that night holding something so sacred.

And I sat by the window-sill, singing to all that glimmers,

I was upset and worried when the Sandman told me of his plan,

I refused to spend summer after summer,

"Oh, how I wanted to fly like Peter and Wendy to Neverland..."

The Sandman didnt come again but he wrote me a letter,

"Take a chance, dear one or you will suffer..."

I refused to move and I buried my feet in time,
Strong and still even if it is a crime.

Wrath and his friends did come my way and I was scared to approach them,

He kicked me at my heart and took out all of my honesty,

They chased me down roads of sorrow and alleys of condemn,

Exactly how Rasputin haunt and torment the Royals without pity.

I hold up my hands in defeat and fell to my knees,

"Leave me alone and I will take what time has given me..."

The Sandman slides down the ladder of hope and gave me my peace,

He wiped sand from my eyes so that the future is all I see.

If you dont know who the Sandman is, go google him

Rasputin too, from the Russian history

Peter Pan and Wendy?

The poem is mainly about not wanting to grow up

and obstructing nature's course will cause you pain and suffering (I think)

^_^

sink the big ship

Guess me and tragedy-stricken movies

really do go along so well...

Like that movie way back when I 'was' young...

I forgot what it's called...'Daylight' or something..

where a bunch of people got stuck in a tunnel because of a fire

and they were caved in, not to mention water filling the tunnel up,

thus need to hurry before air runs out and everybody dies.....

of course not everyone died....

except for this guy who got left behind.

Its rather sad really~

And what about 'The Day after Tomorrow'?

jake gyllenhaal?

and that guy from Jurassic park? (dang, I forgot his name)

lots of snow and water..

this big ship amongst new york's buildings?

yeah

and a lot of people died-

Watching this type of movies

I dunno

I could say it gave me the excitement,

teetering at the edge of the seat

seeing big things crumble to the ground like biscuits

amazed of the higher power taking back everything

and how we should be ready to embrace death...

And thus,

I am proud to say that I have hereby

watched 'Titanic' for the first time

I can only imagine roomie clapping her hands to congratulate me

oh, you should've have seen her face when I told her I havent seen Titanic...ever

her eyes got so big and round

like when you're at the peak of a roller coaster ride

haha

so funny *diabolical laugh*

(alaa, nadon still pretty what...)

and she's all like..

"You havent seen Titanic????"

and a story....

Being the academic journal this blog is

I feel like a bit of history fits in just fine....

The Titanic was a British registered four funnelled ocean liner built for the transatlantic passenger and mail service between Southampton and New York.

It was at the time the largest vessel afloat.

On April 10th 1912 the Titanic set sail from Southampton with 2,200 passengers and crew,

four days later the Titanic collided with an iceberg and sank.

1500 people died and 700 survived.

The vessels would forsake speed for increased safety and comfort.

While millionaire passengers would grab headlines, vastly increased steerage capacity and accommodation for the growing middle class would drive economic success.

Even if the CGI was a bit laughable

it was quite good given the year it's produced.

When is it?... 1997?

thats like...*counting* 13 years ago

0 . 0"

so, throughout the movie

I kept reminding myself,

*it was 1997*

*this is a really old movie*

and occasionally..
*hey, why is there someone on the iceberg?*

*that is SO fake*

*snort*

and etc...

I just love his drawings.

Seeing the actor just sitting there and producing a work of art

*snaps finger* just like that

enthrals me

wahahhaa

I always thought that If I ever get to go to Australia

I'll spend an entire day sitting under a tree

and draw

just draw

but I dont sell my work

too precious~

Perhaps I'll marry someone whose willing to travel with me

(provided the moola)

and then,

I can draw all day all over the world

*sigh*

The movie

It was quite tragic actually

people dying

drowning

shot

got hit by the propellers when she sank

the ship breaking in two

when Leo and Kate was like in a potential-death situation

I was tearing my fingers apart with my teeth (figuratively)

sh*t!, dang!, was one of the few I used

and Im not proud of it

haahahaah

So, I gathered a few DO's and DONT's from the movie...

1. If you're the captain of a really big ship called Titanic, DO NOT drink tea in expensive china while looking over the horizon 24/7. I dont care if tea has nothing to do with the ship, I get so annoyed with these englishmen who just had to have tea now and then. Its like they dont drink anything else.

2. DO NOT wear pretty evening gowns to commit suicide....for obvious reasons.

3. DO NOT yell "Im the KING of the world" at the front of a ship... Too corny
4. DO NOT be too materialistic.. Hiding behind all the pretty clothes and jewelleries and even your status is a poor way to live your life.
5. DO NOT agree to marry a rich, abnoxious, narcissistic, overly-horendous man just because your mom told you to.
6. but DO fall in love with a poor boy and try to save his life when the ship is about to sink. It is SO worth it. Trust me....
   

*swoooooon*

This is so not normal for me
because I dont usually swoon over anyone

But, as hard as I try to deny Leonardo

I cannot!!!

he's just too cute for denial

^.^

My rating:

After all,

you jump, I jump right?

the best day

Im the kind of person who likes to predict

and Im happy when my predictions came true

It gave me a feeling that

everything in this world can be explained

even if the reason would be
"It just happens..."

the world isnt that complicated

it never was

Didnt think I would be wrong though..

Birthdays

is just a normal, typical day for me

I only need it to remember my pin number

and to fill in forms

just to prove Im 18

I always think its funny how

people make a big fuss out of birthdays

enlightening in some way

disturbing in another

I prefer it when people remember other people

everyday

so it'll be like birthdays every day

and another thing

Im not one of the people blessed with the ability to know what type of gift to get someone

I SUCK at choosing presents

badly....

I can show you if you like~

It was 2004

and Im 14

(obviously....)

and it was the end of year class party

you know how during that time

I dont know if it was the same for you guys or not
but if there's a class party

there's a part where you exchange presents, right?

and its always the same every year

boy gives to girl, girl gives to boy

yeah

and at my school

this is SUCH a big deal

haha

because you dont talk with boys on average, for one

if you do, you're gedix

*gawd, the world is so paranoid

at such a young age

they told me that boys are evil

so dont talk to them... *evil laugh*

except for studies

I always thought they did this

to unleash the gedix-ness in everyone

at least

at some point in their life

gosh...how helpful... -.-ll

so, being the innocent person I was back then

I was filled with joyous thoughts

of how rockin' the class party's gonna be

and cant wait to dance my pants off that night

hmm... -.-?

-too much-

but I dont have a present

to give

besides..

what do you give to boys anyway???

hey boys!!

answer me this

what do you guys want??

and release me from this suffering and confusion

Ive been trying to get the answers for that

for years

Back then,

the only source for male views

are from my dad

because

he's a guy

the only guy in my life

*and why is it when I say it, it sounds so pathetic

"hey dad?"

'hmm?'

"can you help me?"

'sure..........'

"what gift can I get for a boy?"

*awkward pause*

and there we sat

father and daughter

and thoughts of how fast the kids are growing

and how he should start worrying

and what the heck are they picking up these days?

"why do you ask?"

*trying to keep a straight face but

sadly dad, it didnt work*

"its for a class party"

'oh'

....

.....

......

'I dont know,try asking mum'

ll- -l

gee dad

thanks a lot

mum said get a book

kakngah said a brand new pen

*pen? PEN? gawd, Im not that cheap...*

but kaklong said to get a really fancy shaver

a new gilette

for manly purposes

*I dont wanna know what she actually meant*

I bought the poor soul chocolate

because boys likes to eat, right?

please say yes....

It wasnt any chocolate

Its the chocolate

king-size cadbury almond and hazelnut

how cool is that?

I spent three days wrapping and rewrapping the chocolate

and I even bought a RM3.00 bow to go along with it

It looked too good to eat

muahahhaha~

but he didnt came to the party that night

and I didnt dance my pants off either

(T.T)

Its alright
I'll give it to him in class
....

but he didnt like it

he asked me...

"Is this it?"

ouch....

"I can finish this in one night!"

ooooooouch!!!

Im such a big fan of the dramatic exit

so

I told him, fine...

and left the class

I dont know if he'd seen my eyes

it was bloodshot and terribly red

I think he did

So, technically

Ive lost faith in guys

and in chocolate

I didnt touch another cadbury since then

that was the history of how I realised that I suck at picking presents

and I ended up giving money to people instead
go and buy your own present la

.

..

...

....

.....

wait,

I meant to write about something else actually

dangit!

17th April every year...

that day is my birthday

I was highly observant to notice the trend

of how birthdays are celebrated in this new town

Its always the night before the day

at exactly 12.00 pm

good

I know now

and I can prepare myself for it

I can always act suprised

its not that hard to fake an expression right?

so

11.57 pm, 16th April

me waiting for the suprise to happen

too bad guys

I already see it coming

You can neva mess with a psychic

:D

hoho~

and I was right

3 minutes later

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANA!!"

from the girls next door

*fuh! glad thats over*

no more suprises

but where are the wishes from my housemates?

this is weird

this is not suppose to happen

it contradicts with my prediction and observation

not a single wish

not even from my roomie

*sob3*

could it be that Im THAT insignificant in their lives?

to tell you the truth

I was a wee bit dissapointed and sad

but no matter
I understand the world doesnt revolve around me
Im not gonna be all sad and pathetic just because people dont remember my freaking birthday

*yosh!!*

and thus

I manage to slip myself away

from blushing in front of my classmates

when they sing HAPPY BIRHDAY to me

the next morning

dont get me wrong

Im just terribly shy

but thanks a lot guys!!

and I do love all of you

To cover the sadness in me

I tried to make the best of my pitiful birthday

by splurging myself

yeah

me buying presents for myself

nad, me, ajin, and hany

ate pizza

bought shoes

clothes

and rabbito

hoho

mind you

I did spent a lot of money that day

but more importantly

I was happy...to an extent~

that night

I was happy again

because I can now watch the whole season 3 of heroes

*I loves my vuze*

.

..

...
....

.....

sylar was about to kill somebody

and eat their brain

and hayden looked like she's wearing a wig

when suddenly...

"NANA!!!!"

"your car alarm is going off..."

huh?

who would ever want to steal my crappy car?

and at 8 too?

*bizzaro*

this must be the dumbest thief ever in existence

*sigh!*

But I love my car to bits

and went down to check anyway

it was so odd for my car to go off like that

and I actually thought that the cats had something to do with it

nad looked all worried though when I met her outside

honestly

I was pretty scared someone's about to steal my putra

but not having any other explanation for it

I double lock my car and even check the tyres and trunk

weird night..

I walked back to the house

to find the doors locked

dang!...I only went out for a couple of minutes

nobody had to go and lock the doors

*sigh*

knock3...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!"

what?

I was literally speechless

and let out a high-pitched scream instead

why oh why didnt I see it coming

the clues

its all there

why would yana, anneh and nadira be all concerned about my car

and I almost dont want to go outside and check

because I didnt recall seeing the little alarm lights at my car keys

roomie insisted the lights were on

and it was suspicious
because the only time my alarm will go off
is when someone opened the unlocked passenger door

which will obviously set off the alarm

only a few people knew about that unlocked door
my housemates amongst them

fishy......

and why was nad outside

what was she doing?

waiting for me perhaps?

stalling me most probably

she was being all worried and everything too..
hmm...

It almost looked like an act

so carefully planned

so perfect
until even I

didnt manage to notice it

and napoleon was missing too

I just didnt see him
tati and mia manage to cloud my senses
towards napoleon and brought him to the top floor
tsk3

*some psychic*

they bought me ice-cream

laden with m&ms and cloud 9

thanks

I love you guys to bits!!!

and Im so getting revenge
you'll see

even roomie wont be safe

*evil laugh some more*

So

thats the story

hey people like me!

there's still hope

the world still loves you

dont be a loner and a nerd

and play minesweeper 24/7

my housemates said that they

planned the whole

not-wishing-me-the-night-before

and they did remember my birthday actually...

bombs away

I have an obsession

which Im pretty sure nobody else does

and its a weird one too

It gave me the creeps sometimes just thinking about it

nope

It aint boys

or shoes either

...
nothing close to handbags

and definitely aint food

lately,

Im SO caught up on minesweeper

you know...

that game that practically exists

in every computer since like..

forever

(not to mention that its free)

Im suprised a lot of people didnt know about it

Im blaming my eldest sister

for this weird behaviour of mine

ever since she taught me how to play that game

I could not stop playing

...

There's something intriguing about minesweeper

which I cant figure out

and there I sat

thinking that this game is SO tech-ish...

but

when I think about it again

its just clicking on tiles that are bomb-free

and flag the one that are bombs

and

its not even rocket-science

so much for technology savvy...

It was 8.00 pm

me

sitting in front of the computer

thinking that its still early

( I'd do my homework later)

hey,

feel like flagging some bombs

and win that overly-played game

I always play after dinner

and while Im at it

I might as well do it in the shortest time possible

just to boost my self-esteem

I'd already plan it all

just in case Im bullied by someone

I can just tell it to their face

that I've won intermediate minesweeper

in 5o seconds

(ha!..top that----)

but wait...

such victorious fantasy

will always have potential embarassment

what if some random guy

passing along heard what I said

and thinks Im being delussional

and told me

he'd finished it in 48 seconds...

...

(T_T)

suicidal

Roomie calls me a nerd

ouch!...

which doesnt suprise me...

so, believe it or not

I googled 'nerd' on wikipedia

and found out that..

quote:

'Nerd is a term often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who passionately pursues intellectual activities( hey, thanks...), esoteric knowledge (what's that?), or other(obscure?) interests rather than engaging in more social or popular activities ( lll- -l). Therefore, a nerd is often excluded from physical activity and considered a loner by peers, or will tend to associate with like-minded people.'

....

The world is a cruel, CRUEL place

(ya hear that roomie!?)

there you go

-it's a rainy day-

The ceiling turned from blue to grey, without warning and without doubt. I lifted my hand above my head to try and touch the painter's masterpiece. The painter, I embraced his hug with a smile even if it suffocates me. His breath felt like virgin ice in early winter, so cold and my cheeks are numb. Even so, I'm overwhelmed with his presence even if it's just for a while. His tears fell from his beautiful eyes to mine, breaking my heart as I know he must leave. Inside, Mum's thunderous footsteps along the corridor whispers, telling me that today is going to take longer than usual to end.

-I wasnt able to fit any of the 'four elements' in because...well, because I chose not to- sorry

haha

A picture's worth a thousand words

well, ok..

I dont think they really meant "a thousand"
it mostly depends on the picture itself

If the picture is a small dot on white paper

I can only guess it to be a horribly drawn ant or somebody testing their new sharpie marker.

...

Just thought of sharing a few pictures I found on the internet that is meant to convey hidden meanings or something like that

I just find them hilarious...

[I do not own the copyright of any of these photographs... I am merely sharing, so dont sue me..]

Did I tell you that one day, chicken eggs are going to rule the world?

here's the proof people...right there.

they're capable of violence beyond our imaginations!!!
Even the most twisted and sick-minded person on earth wouldn't have thought about that.

next..

43% of the world hates twilight. Amongst them are ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, secretaries, gardeners, Michael Moore, that one cashier, and the popcorn guy at GSC.

So, they started this thing called 'EEW!' which stands for 'eew!!'

and began handing out informative signs (see above) to help preserve justice...for men.

Someone OBVIOUSLY hates school...

nothing else to say

I didnt get this picture at first

but the title was 'nothing to see here..GTFO plz'

oh

ok

hahahahahaha

again,

eggs are killers..

and hit-and-run victims too *quizzical brow*

and my favourite....

lol...

I was drinking barley when I read this

let's just say my mouth was opened before I had time to swallow whatever that was in it

and I havent got the chance to close them 10 minutes later

Eventhough I was laughing uncontrollably

I actually felt sorry for the roaches..

but then again, we havent got a cure for cancer too~

-_-ll