Saturday, August 1, 2009

why is it so hard to talk to people?

or something like that...

-Sorry Mr. Derick, I cant remember the question-

Wait, before I start writing, I just want to say that I LOVE '1000 years of good prayers'...(thanx for the heads up hany). I dont know why people said it was so boring and heck, somebody even warned me to bring food when I wanted to watch the movie..because I might fall asleep.

So I brought food
and drinks
and extra pillows..
hot chocolate too
and napoleon~

I think the movie is very adorable and sad because it made me cry..
I regreted writing that...but never mind, I'll live.

Why is it SO hard to talk to people?
honestly, I think it is because of unfamiliarity.. (I hope that word exists) and indifference amongst two people that causes awkward conversations and angry silences.


ehem..., moving on-

I have never been a great talker. But Im a great listener, to an extent. Somehow in conversations, I prefer being the one with the intent stare and obedient noddings rather than the one with their mouths getting busy. I dont really have a specific reason as to why I find it so difficult to talk to people. There's always the reason 'because I dont want to..' but that would make me seem so rude and obnoxious...which Im not.

In the movie, Yilan finds it hard to talk to her father because of her perception of his character, past experiences of her silent childhood and she feels that her father would not understand whatever it is she's going through. period.

I partially blame the father for the neglection he'd given her when she was young, and I also blame the daughter for mistreating her father which happens to be very old and very fragile. Older people take things too personally sometimes, even if it is personal...

For example, Im extracting my own personal experience with my grandmother, two years ago.
You see, my parents were in mecca and grandma was sent to the house to take care of us. etc,etc.. and in the end, me and grams were in a really bad disagreement and I hated it when Im the cause of the disagreement. She thinks she is caring, but Im suffocating. She's not mum and I was trying to prove her that. She cant understand why I dont want to be around her as much but I cant tell her that I need my own space because she wont get it.

So, two years later, as in now.. me and grams is still in this really awkward position where I cant be in the same room with her, let alone have a real conversation with her. Maybe thats why the movie had a very appealing taste to me. It reminded me a lot about me and the people in my life. I kind of created a scene on my own, in my head, as I watch the movie..and how much those two characters reminded me of myself and dad. There's a whole other story as to how me and dad grew awkward with each other. In conclusion?..

Difference in age makes it hard to start a conversation. We dont get them. They dont get us.

Bitter experiences refraines conversations too, because we know who the other person is, and how they made us feel.

Insecurity blocks sincerity because the other person is a stranger to us. And the stranger could be a rapist, a doctor, a player, and even a salesman.

Culture. and some more culture. Its hard to believe culture is blamed for the changes all of us are going through. The generation has changed and the world is tangled up in one another and sacrifices must be made.

Opening up makes us vulnerable and it could hurt us. There's too much pain in this world and some people just cant bear it any longer. Somehow, self-confinement is a more popular option.

Lazy-ness is a factor. And Im up for it 100%.

So, thats it.
thats is why its hard to talk to people~

Saturday, June 27, 2009

#31 on to do list before I die

my first poem
squeezed from utter horror and manipulation
without sympathy
from EaLD
hours of endless worry
trying to do something
I have never done in my entire life,
Im not complaining...

A lot of people dont get the piece when I present it
thats alright though
I wrote it so that people wont understand anyway


It all started when I was 10 plus 3,
I was hiding from the time way up high in a tree,
He's calling me from every nook of possibities,
To change me, body and soul without boundaries.

One night when all seem gone in a distance,
The Sandman made me a promise and told me a secret,
"You will grow up to be old and wise, with a little bit of patience..."
So, he left that night holding something so sacred.

And I sat by the window-sill, singing to all that glimmers,
I was upset and worried when the Sandman told me of his plan,
I refused to spend summer after summer,
"Oh, how I wanted to fly like Peter and Wendy to Neverland..."

The Sandman didnt come again but he wrote me a letter,
"Take a chance, dear one or you will suffer..."
I refused to move and I buried my feet in time,
Strong and still even if it is a crime.

Wrath and his friends did come my way and I was scared to approach them,
He kicked me at my heart and took out all of my honesty,
They chased me down roads of sorrow and alleys of condemn,
Exactly how Rasputin haunt and torment the Royals without pity.

I hold up my hands in defeat and fell to my knees,
"Leave me alone and I will take what time has given me..."
The Sandman slides down the ladder of hope and gave me my peace,
He wiped sand from my eyes so that the future is all I see.

If you dont know who the Sandman is, go google him
Rasputin too, from the Russian history
Peter Pan and Wendy?

The poem is mainly about not wanting to grow up
and obstructing nature's course will cause you pain and suffering (I think)

Saturday, May 16, 2009

sink the big ship

Guess me and tragedy-stricken movies
really do go along so well...

Like that movie way back when I 'was' young...
I forgot what it's called...'Daylight' or something..
where a bunch of people got stuck in a tunnel because of a fire
and they were caved in, not to mention water filling the tunnel up,
thus need to hurry before air runs out and everybody dies.....

of course not everyone died....
except for this guy who got left behind.
Its rather sad really~

And what about 'The Day after Tomorrow'?
jake gyllenhaal?
and that guy from Jurassic park? (dang, I forgot his name)
lots of snow and water..
this big ship amongst new york's buildings?

and a lot of people died-

Watching this type of movies
I dunno
I could say it gave me the excitement,
teetering at the edge of the seat
seeing big things crumble to the ground like biscuits
amazed of the higher power taking back everything
and how we should be ready to embrace death...

And thus,
I am proud to say that I have hereby
watched 'Titanic' for the first time

I can only imagine roomie clapping her hands to congratulate me
oh, you should've have seen her face when I told her I havent seen Titanic...ever
her eyes got so big and round
like when you're at the peak of a roller coaster ride

so funny *diabolical laugh*
(alaa, nadon still pretty what...)
and she's all like..
"You havent seen Titanic????"
and a story....

Being the academic journal this blog is
I feel like a bit of history fits in just fine....

The Titanic was a British registered four funnelled ocean liner built for the transatlantic passenger and mail service between Southampton and New York.

It was at the time the largest vessel afloat.

On April 10th 1912 the Titanic set sail from Southampton with 2,200 passengers and crew,

four days later the Titanic collided with an iceberg and sank.

1500 people died and 700 survived.

The vessels would forsake speed for increased safety and comfort.

While millionaire passengers would grab headlines, vastly increased steerage capacity and accommodation for the growing middle class would drive economic success.

Even if the CGI was a bit laughable
it was quite good given the year it's produced.
When is it?... 1997?
thats like...*counting* 13 years ago
0 . 0"

so, throughout the movie
I kept reminding myself,
*it was 1997*
*this is a really old movie*
and occasionally..
*hey, why is there someone on the iceberg?*
*that is SO fake*
and etc...

I just love his drawings.
Seeing the actor just sitting there and producing a work of art
*snaps finger* just like that
enthrals me

I always thought that If I ever get to go to Australia
I'll spend an entire day sitting under a tree
and draw
just draw
but I dont sell my work
too precious~

Perhaps I'll marry someone whose willing to travel with me
(provided the moola)
and then,
I can draw all day all over the world

The movie
It was quite tragic actually
people dying
got hit by the propellers when she sank
the ship breaking in two
when Leo and Kate was like in a potential-death situation
I was tearing my fingers apart with my teeth (figuratively)
sh*t!, dang!, was one of the few I used
and Im not proud of it

So, I gathered a few DO's and DONT's from the movie...
  1. If you're the captain of a really big ship called Titanic, DO NOT drink tea in expensive china while looking over the horizon 24/7. I dont care if tea has nothing to do with the ship, I get so annoyed with these englishmen who just had to have tea now and then. Its like they dont drink anything else.

  2. DO NOT wear pretty evening gowns to commit suicide....for obvious reasons.

  3. DO NOT yell "Im the KING of the world" at the front of a ship... Too corny
  4. DO NOT be too materialistic.. Hiding behind all the pretty clothes and jewelleries and even your status is a poor way to live your life.
  5. DO NOT agree to marry a rich, abnoxious, narcissistic, overly-horendous man just because your mom told you to.
  6. but DO fall in love with a poor boy and try to save his life when the ship is about to sink. It is SO worth it. Trust me....


This is so not normal for me
because I dont usually swoon over anyone
But, as hard as I try to deny Leonardo
I cannot!!!
he's just too cute for denial


My rating:

After all,
you jump, I jump right?

Friday, March 27, 2009

the best day

Im the kind of person who likes to predict
and Im happy when my predictions came true
It gave me a feeling that
everything in this world can be explained
even if the reason would be
"It just happens..."

the world isnt that complicated
it never was

Didnt think I would be wrong though..

is just a normal, typical day for me
I only need it to remember my pin number
and to fill in forms
just to prove Im 18
I always think its funny how
people make a big fuss out of birthdays
enlightening in some way
disturbing in another

I prefer it when people remember other people
so it'll be like birthdays every day
and another thing
Im not one of the people blessed with the ability to know what type of gift to get someone
I SUCK at choosing presents

I can show you if you like~

It was 2004
and Im 14
and it was the end of year class party
you know how during that time
I dont know if it was the same for you guys or not
but if there's a class party
there's a part where you exchange presents, right?
and its always the same every year
boy gives to girl, girl gives to boy
and at my school
this is SUCH a big deal
because you dont talk with boys on average, for one
if you do, you're gedix
*gawd, the world is so paranoid
at such a young age
they told me that boys are evil
so dont talk to them... *evil laugh*
except for studies

I always thought they did this
to unleash the gedix-ness in everyone
at least
at some point in their life helpful... -.-ll

so, being the innocent person I was back then
I was filled with joyous thoughts
of how rockin' the class party's gonna be
and cant wait to dance my pants off that night
hmm... -.-?
-too much-

but I dont have a present
to give
what do you give to boys anyway???
hey boys!!
answer me this
what do you guys want??
and release me from this suffering and confusion
Ive been trying to get the answers for that
for years

Back then,
the only source for male views
are from my dad
he's a guy
the only guy in my life
*and why is it when I say it, it sounds so pathetic

"hey dad?"
"can you help me?"
"what gift can I get for a boy?"
*awkward pause*

and there we sat
father and daughter
and thoughts of how fast the kids are growing
and how he should start worrying
and what the heck are they picking up these days?

"why do you ask?"
*trying to keep a straight face but
sadly dad, it didnt work*

"its for a class party"
'I dont know,try asking mum'

ll- -l

gee dad
thanks a lot

mum said get a book
kakngah said a brand new pen
*pen? PEN? gawd, Im not that cheap...*
but kaklong said to get a really fancy shaver
a new gilette
for manly purposes
*I dont wanna know what she actually meant*

I bought the poor soul chocolate
because boys likes to eat, right?
please say yes....

It wasnt any chocolate
Its the chocolate
king-size cadbury almond and hazelnut
how cool is that?
I spent three days wrapping and rewrapping the chocolate
and I even bought a RM3.00 bow to go along with it
It looked too good to eat

but he didnt came to the party that night
and I didnt dance my pants off either

Its alright
I'll give it to him in class
but he didnt like it
he asked me...
"Is this it?"
"I can finish this in one night!"

Im such a big fan of the dramatic exit
I told him, fine...
and left the class
I dont know if he'd seen my eyes
it was bloodshot and terribly red
I think he did

So, technically
Ive lost faith in guys
and in chocolate
I didnt touch another cadbury since then

that was the history of how I realised that I suck at picking presents
and I ended up giving money to people instead
go and buy your own present la

I meant to write about something else actually

17th April every year...
that day is my birthday
I was highly observant to notice the trend
of how birthdays are celebrated in this new town
Its always the night before the day
at exactly 12.00 pm
I know now
and I can prepare myself for it
I can always act suprised
its not that hard to fake an expression right?

11.57 pm, 16th April
me waiting for the suprise to happen
too bad guys
I already see it coming
You can neva mess with a psychic

and I was right
3 minutes later
from the girls next door
*fuh! glad thats over*
no more suprises
but where are the wishes from my housemates?
this is weird
this is not suppose to happen
it contradicts with my prediction and observation
not a single wish
not even from my roomie
could it be that Im THAT insignificant in their lives?
to tell you the truth
I was a wee bit dissapointed and sad
but no matter
I understand the world doesnt revolve around me
Im not gonna be all sad and pathetic just because people dont remember my freaking birthday

and thus
I manage to slip myself away
from blushing in front of my classmates
when they sing HAPPY BIRHDAY to me
the next morning
dont get me wrong
Im just terribly shy
but thanks a lot guys!!
and I do love all of you

To cover the sadness in me
I tried to make the best of my pitiful birthday
by splurging myself
me buying presents for myself
nad, me, ajin, and hany
ate pizza
bought shoes
and rabbito

mind you
I did spent a lot of money that day
but more importantly
I was an extent~

that night
I was happy again
because I can now watch the whole season 3 of heroes
*I loves my vuze*
sylar was about to kill somebody
and eat their brain
and hayden looked like she's wearing a wig
when suddenly...

"your car alarm is going off..."
who would ever want to steal my crappy car?
and at 8 too?
this must be the dumbest thief ever in existence

But I love my car to bits
and went down to check anyway
it was so odd for my car to go off like that
and I actually thought that the cats had something to do with it
nad looked all worried though when I met her outside
I was pretty scared someone's about to steal my putra
but not having any other explanation for it
I double lock my car and even check the tyres and trunk
weird night..

I walked back to the house
to find the doors locked
dang!...I only went out for a couple of minutes
nobody had to go and lock the doors

I was literally speechless
and let out a high-pitched scream instead
why oh why didnt I see it coming
the clues
its all there
why would yana, anneh and nadira be all concerned about my car
and I almost dont want to go outside and check
because I didnt recall seeing the little alarm lights at my car keys
roomie insisted the lights were on
and it was suspicious
because the only time my alarm will go off
is when someone opened the unlocked passenger door
which will obviously set off the alarm
only a few people knew about that unlocked door
my housemates amongst them
and why was nad outside
what was she doing?
waiting for me perhaps?
stalling me most probably
she was being all worried and everything too..

It almost looked like an act
so carefully planned
so perfect
until even I
didnt manage to notice it
and napoleon was missing too
I just didnt see him
tati and mia manage to cloud my senses
towards napoleon and brought him to the top floor
*some psychic*

they bought me ice-cream
laden with m&ms and cloud 9
I love you guys to bits!!!
and Im so getting revenge
you'll see
even roomie wont be safe
*evil laugh some more*

thats the story
hey people like me!
there's still hope
the world still loves you
dont be a loner and a nerd
and play minesweeper 24/7
my housemates said that they
planned the whole
and they did remember my birthday actually...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

bombs away

I have an obsession
which Im pretty sure nobody else does
and its a weird one too
It gave me the creeps sometimes just thinking about it

It aint boys
or shoes either
nothing close to handbags
and definitely aint food

Im SO caught up on minesweeper
you know...
that game that practically exists
in every computer since like..
(not to mention that its free)

Im suprised a lot of people didnt know about it
Im blaming my eldest sister
for this weird behaviour of mine
ever since she taught me how to play that game
I could not stop playing

There's something intriguing about minesweeper
which I cant figure out
and there I sat
thinking that this game is SO tech-ish...
when I think about it again
its just clicking on tiles that are bomb-free
and flag the one that are bombs
its not even rocket-science

so much for technology savvy...

It was 8.00 pm
sitting in front of the computer
thinking that its still early
( I'd do my homework later)

feel like flagging some bombs
and win that overly-played game
I always play after dinner
and while Im at it
I might as well do it in the shortest time possible
just to boost my self-esteem
I'd already plan it all
just in case Im bullied by someone
I can just tell it to their face
that I've won intermediate minesweeper
in 5o seconds
(ha! that----)

but wait...
such victorious fantasy
will always have potential embarassment
what if some random guy
passing along heard what I said
and thinks Im being delussional
and told me
he'd finished it in 48 seconds...


Roomie calls me a nerd

which doesnt suprise me...
so, believe it or not
I googled 'nerd' on wikipedia
and found out that..

'Nerd is a term often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who passionately pursues intellectual activities( hey, thanks...), esoteric knowledge (what's that?), or other(obscure?) interests rather than engaging in more social or popular activities ( lll- -l). Therefore, a nerd is often excluded from physical activity and considered a loner by peers, or will tend to associate with like-minded people.'

The world is a cruel, CRUEL place

(ya hear that roomie!?)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

there you go

-it's a rainy day-

The ceiling turned from blue to grey, without warning and without doubt. I lifted my hand above my head to try and touch the painter's masterpiece. The painter, I embraced his hug with a smile even if it suffocates me. His breath felt like virgin ice in early winter, so cold and my cheeks are numb. Even so, I'm overwhelmed with his presence even if it's just for a while. His tears fell from his beautiful eyes to mine, breaking my heart as I know he must leave. Inside, Mum's thunderous footsteps along the corridor whispers, telling me that today is going to take longer than usual to end.

-I wasnt able to fit any of the 'four elements' in because...well, because I chose not to- sorry

Sunday, March 8, 2009


A picture's worth a thousand words

well, ok..
I dont think they really meant "a thousand"
it mostly depends on the picture itself

If the picture is a small dot on white paper
I can only guess it to be a horribly drawn ant or somebody testing their new sharpie marker.

Just thought of sharing a few pictures I found on the internet that is meant to convey hidden meanings or something like that

I just find them hilarious...

[I do not own the copyright of any of these photographs... I am merely sharing, so dont sue me..]

Did I tell you that one day, chicken eggs are going to rule the world?
here's the proof people...right there.
they're capable of violence beyond our imaginations!!!
Even the most twisted and sick-minded person on earth wouldn't have thought about that.


43% of the world hates twilight. Amongst them are ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, secretaries, gardeners, Michael Moore, that one cashier, and the popcorn guy at GSC.

So, they started this thing called 'EEW!' which stands for 'eew!!'
and began handing out informative signs (see above) to help preserve justice...for men.

Someone OBVIOUSLY hates school...
nothing else to say

I didnt get this picture at first
but the title was 'nothing to see here..GTFO plz'


eggs are killers..
and hit-and-run victims too *quizzical brow*

and my favourite....


I was drinking barley when I read this

let's just say my mouth was opened before I had time to swallow whatever that was in it

and I havent got the chance to close them 10 minutes later

Eventhough I was laughing uncontrollably

I actually felt sorry for the roaches..

but then again, we havent got a cure for cancer too~